Inner dialogue:
speak to me as though a friend.
Love, not ridicule.
writing saved their life
I read books written by other people
(obviously)
and when they say
that writing saved their life
I feel dejected
because I want to say the same
but don’t feel like I can.
I want to be ‘like them’
but tell myself I’m not
because I am nobody
but a small measly voice
whispering into the abyss,
the ever-growing noise in the vastness
swallowing my words.
Moments later
I walk from the living room
to my bedroom
and gaze upon the stacks of notebooks
in the corner.
I flip through the ink-covered pages,
including in the book used today.
Perhaps my perception has been flawed.
Perhaps my life, too,
has been saved
and is being saved
by writing.
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself.
You are ever-evolving.
Change is the constant.
there’s no rush
Slow down, there’s no rush.
Give your body time to heal.
The time will come, soon.
year of the wood snake
Two thousand and twenty-five;
the year of the wood snake.
Typically I am not one to follow
the Chinese zodiac,
but this year was different.
In two thousand and twenty-five,
the year of the wood snake,
I gave birth to my son.
I became a mother.
My soul knew it was time to shed.
My body broke open
at the birth canal
before my skin split at my crown
and I turned inside-out
to shed my old layers of skin,
my old layers
of being,
of identity,
of purpose and perspective,
of capacity to feel and fear and love.
Despite a significant phobia of snakes
I now deeply resonate with this creature
and the transformative processes
it undergoes,
necessary for its survival.
Becoming a mother has forced me
to shed layers of old skin
I had become so unconsciously accustomed to
that to see them discarded beside me
shocked me more
than the shedding itself.
I am forever changed
and must commit to continual shedding
to be the best mother
and person
I can be.
to desire concepts of a life
Is it enough to desire
concepts of a life,
perceptions of who to be
and roles to embody
and values to uphold
and believe in them,
despite an accomplished figure
encouraging you
to choose different?
lost and confused
What occasionally possesses inspiration
given enough time
twists and distorts your sense of self
until you feel worthless
and lost and confused
scrolling numblessly yet frantically
searching for someone
or something
to tell you who you are.
do more and be better?
This belief that
I always need a goal to be chasing,
something bigger + brighter
+ better
than what I already have;
does that belief still serve me?
The relentless chase
exhausts me
but like a woodpecker
I can always hear the drumming
in the background:
“Do more, and be better.”
Engage with your family more.
Expand your social media + creative audience.
You’re not good enough at your job.
Your physical health isn’t where it should be.
You know better, so you should do better.
Stay off your phone.
Be more social.
Separate yourself into small, neat boxes.
Integrate all parts of you into one; you don’t need to compartmentalize.
Can I stand on the table and scream
“SHUT UP!?”
This life I have right now
is what I once dreamed of
and doubted would ever become my reality.
I don’t need to do more,
and I don’t need to be better.
Who I am, right now, is enough.
overcast clouds
You know me better
than I know myself.
After years of therapy and self-inquiry
I like to believe
I know myself fairly well
but you call attention to
hyperfixations
ruminations
personality shifts
and detrimental perspectives
as though their obviousness
mimics the sun in the sky
while overcast clouds surround me.
How do you do it?
Remove temptation
Remove temptation;
create space to re-focus.
The best time is now.
Dawning Words 