Tag: depression

decisions on instinct

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

My therapist
encouraged me to practice making decisions
faster
and based on my instincts.
Not every decision needs to be
weighed and analyzed
for hours
before reaching a conclusion –
a novel concept
for my brain to comprehend.

I took her advice;
I could hear her voice in my head
gently pushing me
out of my head
and into my body.

Warm air, sunshine-soaked sky
lured me to be outside
and move,
while listening.
I want to walk through the park,
I want to explore a new trail,
I want to recreate a small sliver of wild
I chase and revel in elsewhere.

I laugh at myself
as I walk along the trail
at this series of decisions
being the most impulsive I have been
in months.

When did I become so scared of living?

living in the shadows

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

I have been gone for a while
living in the shadows, the darkness,
and finding comfort there,
familiarity,
safety.

I can see the light
but it scares me.
The shadows are quiet,
impose no pressure to speak or do,
their cold embrace enveloping me
until we warm.

I’m liking it here, in the dark.
It feels familiar
for I am often here
though not for long periods of time.
There are bursts of sunlight
that beam through the clouds
interrupting my accumulation of days.
The sun tries to tell me
that really, I’m OK
because I can see the sun
and be happy for a while;
I don’t qualify for a new label.
So when the clouds roll over again
I start back at day one.

And I ask myself the age-old question:
on some level, have I always been this way?

And then I ask the question:
am I trying to make something out of nothing,
this earnesty to classify
and put myself in a box per criteria,
or is this just a simple part
of the human experience?

This time,
I am staying in the darkness for a long time.
Longer than any time before.

I feel scared of everything
all at the same time,
all the time.
Paralyzed.

I have either lost myself
or changed –
I know not which it is.

And I don’t have the energy
to do
what they tell me I should do.
I don’t want to deny the darkness
in an attempt to feel better;
I want to stay here.

Eventually I will let someone down
and I can only blame the darkness
for so many things
because after all,
shouldn’t I be strong enough to fight it off?

But then
someone on the outside
saw me, and saw the shadows.
She acknowledged,
she validated,
and she nudged me towards a new source of light.

I have been gone for a while
and I’m not back yet
but maybe,
someday,
eventually.

Noticing

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

Noticing
my wanting
to cross items off my to-do list.

Noticing
my yearning
to announce a project as complete.

Noticing
my fear
of diving into waters of vulnerability
when I feel fragile.

Noticing
my tendency
to want to do the easy things
rather than the hard and messy things.

Noticing
my hesitancy
with meeting new facets of me
and letting the old ones go.

Noticing
the discrepancies between
what I claim to desire
and the actions I take.

Noticing.

mental health lifeboats

~ jennadawn ~ 3 Comments

When you share an intention with someone else, usually, that carries with it an added layer of accountability. Now, not only have you given a voice to the thoughts traveling around inside your head, but the voice has landed upon the ears of other people. It’s not just you anymore.

But what do you do, when you want to change your mind?

You’re no longer the only person that knows. Other people know. What will they think of you, knowing that while you seemed so sure, so prepared just a little while ago, now you’ve retreated back to the timid and apprehensive version of yourself that believes they can handle the journey up this mountain on their own?

They might make you out to be a fraud. They might believe you are too scared to face whatever you think you need to face. They might think less of you, they might consider themselves to be superior to you. They may call you weak, or arrogant, or in over your head.

Or, they might just understand what you’re going through.

Only the people who have traveled a similar path can understand the terror, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, the bravery that comes with sharing your needs with someone other than yourself. It requires a new kind of strength.

Admitting that you need to talk to someone, admitting that you have reached a new point where you feel more fear than excitement for your future, admitting that you don’t know where to go on your own, admitting that you need help – these don’t make you any less than. In fact, they make you more than. Feeling uncertainty about your decision after you’ve ‘taken your stance’ is normal.

Use your knowing of others’ awareness of your current experience not as a rope tying you to an anchor, but as a rope connecting you to a lifeboat; available to you when you need some additional support.

You will be OK. You have a fleet of lifeboats ready and waiting to carry you to safety.

is an explanation enough?

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

Is it enough
to reach a realization at the end,
to finally have in hand
an explanation
of why I feel the way I do?

An explanation
cannot replenish
the time lost, energy wasted,
minutes and heartbeats traded for depression
because at the time,
I could see no other option.

Is it something, though?
Can it kickstart the sheep
as I try to fall asleep tonight?

At the time,
I could see no other option.

light to guide me back

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

I lost her
I wonder where she went
why she felt the need to get away.

I have been separated from this page
it feels like an eternity
do I remember how to do this?

Extending compassion
into a space hollow and dark
offers light,
light to guide me back.

voices in the rain

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

Raindrops fall from the sky
soft and quiet at first,
then heavy and loud,
washing away the collections of dirt and dust,
gifting the ground, and all that rises from it,
with a new heartbeat.

I hear voices in my head.
They tell me what I’m supposed to do and when.
When I don’t listen, they scream at me
until I conform,
giving them the victory.
I recognize them, I know who they belong to,
familiarity offers no advantages.

I can hear the rain through closed windows,
rhythmic.
I wonder if it knows how much power it carries,
how much we depend on it.

Open the door to immerse my body
in this falling magic.
Wash away the voices down the gutter
to hear my own at last.
This is how I find peace today.

Accept today

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

Accept that today is a different day
than yesterday.
Each day stands on its own.
A good day yesterday
cannot guarantee carryover to today.

Accept today for what it is,
what it has been already, and what it can be.
Make the best of it that you can
for that act, in itself, is a success
worth celebrating.

changing the inner voice

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

The voice in my head
barely recognizable as my own
reminds me of my flaws,
paints my shortcomings,
whispering, “you can’t do this.”

Today I refuse to listen,
turn the volume down to a 1.
Forging ahead with ambitious purpose,
the only voice I hear today asks only one question:
“what’s next?”
This, then that, then that.

If I commit to believing in myself
my inner voice will follow suit.