writing saved their life

I read books written by other people
(obviously)
and when they say
that writing saved their life
I feel dejected
because I want to say the same
but don’t feel like I can.

I want to be ‘like them’
but tell myself I’m not
because I am nobody
but a small measly voice
whispering into the abyss,
the ever-growing noise in the vastness
swallowing my words.

Moments later
I walk from the living room
to my bedroom
and gaze upon the stacks of notebooks
in the corner.
I flip through the ink-covered pages,
including in the book used today.

Perhaps my perception has been flawed.
Perhaps my life, too,
has been saved
and is being saved
by writing.

lost and confused

What occasionally possesses inspiration
given enough time
twists and distorts your sense of self
until you feel worthless
and lost and confused
scrolling numblessly yet frantically
searching for someone
or something
to tell you who you are.

do more and be better?

This belief that
I always need a goal to be chasing,
something bigger + brighter
+ better
than what I already have;
does that belief still serve me?

The relentless chase
exhausts me
but like a woodpecker
I can always hear the drumming
in the background:

“Do more, and be better.”

Engage with your family more.
Expand your social media + creative audience.
You’re not good enough at your job.
Your physical health isn’t where it should be.
You know better, so you should do better.
Stay off your phone.
Be more social.
Separate yourself into small, neat boxes.
Integrate all parts of you into one; you don’t need to compartmentalize.

Can I stand on the table and scream
“SHUT UP!?”

This life I have right now
is what I once dreamed of
and doubted would ever become my reality.

I don’t need to do more,
and I don’t need to be better.
Who I am, right now, is enough.

overcast clouds

You know me better
than I know myself.

After years of therapy and self-inquiry
I like to believe
I know myself fairly well
but you call attention to
hyperfixations
ruminations
personality shifts
and detrimental perspectives
as though their obviousness
mimics the sun in the sky
while overcast clouds surround me.

How do you do it?

Recognizing

Recognizing
moments
of my nervous system
easefully resting,
my lungs breathing
slow and deep,
my mind clearing,
my heart
opening.

Recognizing
circumstances
welcoming
and embracing me
into this calmness.

Recognizing
the time spent away from here
and the nourishment
in this
reunion.

reclaiming safety

I had a safe space.
I invited people in.
I realized
my decision was premature
too late.

My safe space dissolved
into an empty void
for months,
tainted by the destruction
I had invited in,
in naivete.

A piece of me broke away.

Remembering
if I made it once
I can make it again
and this time,
add an extra padlock on the door.

No one expects an invitation
so I disregard any felt obligation
to extend one.

Reclaiming safety
for my soul.

quarter-page confidence

I started a new page in the notebook
with a title at the top:
‘What are some things that I feel CONFIDENT in about myself?’
I started a page on the left,
assuming I would need the spread of both left and right pages
like an open book,
to display my confident knowings
for surely, once I started listing,
pages would fill before my eyes.

My list consists of four bullet points,
consuming a quarter of one page.
The rest of the page-spread remains blank.
I cannot think of more to add.

Adding this to the docket of items
to discuss
at my next therapy session.