Author: jennadawn

Reading passages over and over

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

Reading passages
over and over
but not like last time
with that other book
this time
I read the passages
over and over
for the comfort they offer
and sensations they generate
within my body
reminding me
to be vulnerable
to release through art
to create
to let go of perfectionism
to just be
with the people who know me
and even those who don’t
like she did
with the guy who wanted to know her
who didn’t run away
waited for her
until she was tired of hiding
and bared all to him
and they promised
to help each other
no matter how broken
they both feel
because no one is broken.

– Inspired by the book “The Words We Keep” by Erin Stewart

mental health lifeboats

~ jennadawn ~ 3 Comments

When you share an intention with someone else, usually, that carries with it an added layer of accountability. Now, not only have you given a voice to the thoughts traveling around inside your head, but the voice has landed upon the ears of other people. It’s not just you anymore.

But what do you do, when you want to change your mind?

You’re no longer the only person that knows. Other people know. What will they think of you, knowing that while you seemed so sure, so prepared just a little while ago, now you’ve retreated back to the timid and apprehensive version of yourself that believes they can handle the journey up this mountain on their own?

They might make you out to be a fraud. They might believe you are too scared to face whatever you think you need to face. They might think less of you, they might consider themselves to be superior to you. They may call you weak, or arrogant, or in over your head.

Or, they might just understand what you’re going through.

Only the people who have traveled a similar path can understand the terror, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, the bravery that comes with sharing your needs with someone other than yourself. It requires a new kind of strength.

Admitting that you need to talk to someone, admitting that you have reached a new point where you feel more fear than excitement for your future, admitting that you don’t know where to go on your own, admitting that you need help – these don’t make you any less than. In fact, they make you more than. Feeling uncertainty about your decision after you’ve ‘taken your stance’ is normal.

Use your knowing of others’ awareness of your current experience not as a rope tying you to an anchor, but as a rope connecting you to a lifeboat; available to you when you need some additional support.

You will be OK. You have a fleet of lifeboats ready and waiting to carry you to safety.

put on a new show

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The old is familiar
and mindless
but is that really what you want?

Expose your mind
to the never-seen-before.
It will be OK.
You know how to protect yourself.
You can explore new things
and maybe even
discover new joy.

Putting on your old favorite show
for background noise
ends up being what you watch anyways
for the eleventh time
and when it’s done
and the pages remain empty
you feel empty too.
Challenge yourself.
You can put on a new show
allow it to captivate you
and simultaneously
spark inspiration for your words.

You can have it both ways,
which is what you want, anyway.

Stop putting yourself in boxes
behind barricades.
You’re capable of more than you realize
or imagine.

listening to nature

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I hear the birds and I hear the branches
I hear the vehicles and I hear the leaves
I hear the people, the animals
and the machinery to keep us cool
and still
I seek to understand, to objectify, to name,
to satisfy my mind.

When my mind nudges in
for a turn at the microphone
she reminds me, again,
of past thoughts, past concerns
and future anxieties
I am trying to let fly away with the birds
I cannot see.

I hear these sounds,
I hear the music they orchestrate
but apart from the trees and leaves
I cannot see their sources.

I cannot see their source
and yet they are there,
they still reach my ears
somehow.

They come and go,
bending off and into each other
seamlessly
as if following a score
or being led by a conductor at the podium.
They trust in each other.
I close my eyes, expand my ears,
trusting the sounds will reach me
in nature’s perfection
without a need for rationality or manipulation.

Imagine, just for a moment,
the freedom, the weightlessness,
the joy,
of trusting that life will unfold as it is meant
if we are open enough
to hear it
to receive it
and to accept it.

numbness remains

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I want to talk about what happened
but I fear it will hurt too much
to re-enter that space now,
days later,
like traveling back in time
to feel those thoughts and feelings again
so I can write about them.

I don’t know how
to assign words, to gift cadence,
to those moments of emotional overwhelm.
But I will try.

My lungs shriveled up like raisins
in a rubble-piled chest
unable to take a full, deep, expansive breath
for three days.

My heartbeat slowed as my nerves turned numb
retreating from sensation
towards any stimulation.

The panic, the pain,
the fear rose above me like a tidal wave
and crashed,
holding me down, in the water
and thrashing currents,
tossing my body as though it were
nothing more than a thin branch
broken off from a shoreline tree
in the wind.

I felt it all
in real time
for days.

The fear, pure and raw,
scared me the most
ironically.

Now, these days later,
my lungs are plump grapes
eager and able to take deeper breaths.
The panic, pain and fear
have settled like sand at the bottom of the ocean,
but the numbness remains,
uncertain if it’s supposed to dissipate naturally with time
or if its lingering presence signifies
issues remaining unresolved.

The more I talk about it,
the more I write about it,
the harder it becomes to dismiss
the truth pulsing through my blood.
The truth cannot be avoided forever;
it will not dissipate with time.

I must continue talking about it
I must continue writing about it
I must continue revisiting the vulnerability
of sitting in the spaces of purity
to understand,
and to move forward.

my unique spirit animal

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The animal I was least expecting
came walking toward me
along the path in the clearing
slow, but strong,
large, but gentle.

It was a rhinoceros
so surprised was I
that I tried to re-enter my conscious mind
to think of a different animal,
to create it into being
in what was supposed to be my subconscious.
Before I had the chance to receive the message
I wanted to turn it away,
trade it in for something else,
something prettier, more feminine,
more socially accepted.

Instead,
my subconscious prevailed,
reassuring me that this animal before me
came to me with a purpose
I would learn
if I gave it space to speak, and be.

The rhinoceros stood before me.
He did not speak,
but instead just stood there,
silent, observing,
a calm presence he provided.

I began by looking up at him
from my position on the ground.
He stood tall above me,
lowering his head
I stood up to stand beside him,
still he did not speak.

I felt heat radiate from his body,
how his skin felt soft and ruthless
all at one time.
I watched him turn his head toward me
connected his eyes with mine.

He spoke through energy what could
not be spoken through words:
Be bold like me.
Be solid like me, in who you are.
Be gentle as your nature.
Remember, you have weapons
to use when you need them.
Be strong in all of you,
not only in the weapon.

He reunited me with my inner energy, my inner core,
to be solid and confident in who I am,
to take up space in my power,
to be rare, unique, off the beaten path of common perception,
to be gentle, in mannerisms and beneath my tough exterior,
to remember my inherent strength,
to stand tall in my being
and my innate ability to stand up for myself.
I am a force to be reckoned with
and I, of all people, should never forget that.

He stood there beside me, still, but breathing,
passing me all the wisdom I needed through
the air we exchanged together.
My hand reached out to connect
with the tough, thick, wrinkled, leather-like
texture of his skin
and I hear him exhale.

Perhaps not the most visually appealing
in comparison to the animals who hold more femininity
and beauty in their mythology,
but he came to me,
he was the first I saw
and the only animal who came naturally
to me in that moment,
subconsciously.

He needed to find me
and he did.
He carried a message
like no other animal could.
He was meant for me,
and I for him.