I don’t know what’s next
or when
all I know
is that where I am
is good for now.
Tag: anxiety
small steps in the dark
For the part of my brain
that thrives on planning
having no concrete plan
leaves me wondering what to do
like putting one foot in front of the other
in a pitch black room
I have never been in before
earnestly reaching out for anything
any clue of place or floorplan
taking the wrong step
feels scarier
than taking no step at all.
Eventually
my eyes will adjust to the darkness
if only slightly.
I need to keep moving
somehow.
Small, cautious steps
are better than none –
I whisper to myself
over and over.
Rewiring my brain
thought by thought
step by step.
Reading passages over and over
Reading passages
over and over
but not like last time
with that other book
this time
I read the passages
over and over
for the comfort they offer
and sensations they generate
within my body
reminding me
to be vulnerable
to release through art
to create
to let go of perfectionism
to just be
with the people who know me
and even those who don’t
like she did
with the guy who wanted to know her
who didn’t run away
waited for her
until she was tired of hiding
and bared all to him
and they promised
to help each other
no matter how broken
they both feel
because no one is broken.
– Inspired by the book “The Words We Keep” by Erin Stewart
mental health lifeboats
When you share an intention with someone else, usually, that carries with it an added layer of accountability. Now, not only have you given a voice to the thoughts traveling around inside your head, but the voice has landed upon the ears of other people. It’s not just you anymore.
But what do you do, when you want to change your mind?
You’re no longer the only person that knows. Other people know. What will they think of you, knowing that while you seemed so sure, so prepared just a little while ago, now you’ve retreated back to the timid and apprehensive version of yourself that believes they can handle the journey up this mountain on their own?
They might make you out to be a fraud. They might believe you are too scared to face whatever you think you need to face. They might think less of you, they might consider themselves to be superior to you. They may call you weak, or arrogant, or in over your head.
Or, they might just understand what you’re going through.
Only the people who have traveled a similar path can understand the terror, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, the bravery that comes with sharing your needs with someone other than yourself. It requires a new kind of strength.
Admitting that you need to talk to someone, admitting that you have reached a new point where you feel more fear than excitement for your future, admitting that you don’t know where to go on your own, admitting that you need help – these don’t make you any less than. In fact, they make you more than. Feeling uncertainty about your decision after you’ve ‘taken your stance’ is normal.
Use your knowing of others’ awareness of your current experience not as a rope tying you to an anchor, but as a rope connecting you to a lifeboat; available to you when you need some additional support.
You will be OK. You have a fleet of lifeboats ready and waiting to carry you to safety.
put on a new show
The old is familiar
and mindless
but is that really what you want?
Expose your mind
to the never-seen-before.
It will be OK.
You know how to protect yourself.
You can explore new things
and maybe even
discover new joy.
Putting on your old favorite show
for background noise
ends up being what you watch anyways
for the eleventh time
and when it’s done
and the pages remain empty
you feel empty too.
Challenge yourself.
You can put on a new show
allow it to captivate you
and simultaneously
spark inspiration for your words.
You can have it both ways,
which is what you want, anyway.
Stop putting yourself in boxes
behind barricades.
You’re capable of more than you realize
or imagine.
listening to nature
I hear the birds and I hear the branches
I hear the vehicles and I hear the leaves
I hear the people, the animals
and the machinery to keep us cool
and still
I seek to understand, to objectify, to name,
to satisfy my mind.
When my mind nudges in
for a turn at the microphone
she reminds me, again,
of past thoughts, past concerns
and future anxieties
I am trying to let fly away with the birds
I cannot see.
I hear these sounds,
I hear the music they orchestrate
but apart from the trees and leaves
I cannot see their sources.
I cannot see their source
and yet they are there,
they still reach my ears
somehow.
They come and go,
bending off and into each other
seamlessly
as if following a score
or being led by a conductor at the podium.
They trust in each other.
I close my eyes, expand my ears,
trusting the sounds will reach me
in nature’s perfection
without a need for rationality or manipulation.
Imagine, just for a moment,
the freedom, the weightlessness,
the joy,
of trusting that life will unfold as it is meant
if we are open enough
to hear it
to receive it
and to accept it.
numbness remains
I want to talk about what happened
but I fear it will hurt too much
to re-enter that space now,
days later,
like traveling back in time
to feel those thoughts and feelings again
so I can write about them.
I don’t know how
to assign words, to gift cadence,
to those moments of emotional overwhelm.
But I will try.
My lungs shriveled up like raisins
in a rubble-piled chest
unable to take a full, deep, expansive breath
for three days.
My heartbeat slowed as my nerves turned numb
retreating from sensation
towards any stimulation.
The panic, the pain,
the fear rose above me like a tidal wave
and crashed,
holding me down, in the water
and thrashing currents,
tossing my body as though it were
nothing more than a thin branch
broken off from a shoreline tree
in the wind.
I felt it all
in real time
for days.
The fear, pure and raw,
scared me the most
ironically.
Now, these days later,
my lungs are plump grapes
eager and able to take deeper breaths.
The panic, pain and fear
have settled like sand at the bottom of the ocean,
but the numbness remains,
uncertain if it’s supposed to dissipate naturally with time
or if its lingering presence signifies
issues remaining unresolved.
The more I talk about it,
the more I write about it,
the harder it becomes to dismiss
the truth pulsing through my blood.
The truth cannot be avoided forever;
it will not dissipate with time.
I must continue talking about it
I must continue writing about it
I must continue revisiting the vulnerability
of sitting in the spaces of purity
to understand,
and to move forward.
crunch gravel
Feet, paws, crunch gravel
Move from mind into body
Nature can heal us.
nature defies stagnancy
It does little good to plan out ahead of time
how events will transpire
when you do not know
outside of this moment,
anything.
Everything changes. Change is the constant.
From minute to minute
we are reborn.
We may look ahead to the waters we can see
on our projected path
but have you never seen
the unrelenting evolution of water,
its constant movement,
even when the surface appears to be still
enough to resemble glass?
The waters will change by the time you get there,
as will you,
so tell me, what the point is, in
trying to plan and control for things
that do not and may never exist?
Those who attempt this control
allow heartbreak and anxiety and fear
to anchor them in the water,
though the waves and currents and flow of life persist;
nature defies stagnancy.
Relinquish the need for control
and watch the anchors reel back up into the boat.
Allow movement and fluidity and
uncertainty to become your allies.
You can trust them, wholeheartedly,
they will not abandon you
nor lead you to harm.
Trust in the constant of change:
the only constant we know.
the pavement remains dry
The weather forecast
predicted a 90% chance of rain
all day today.
Watching through the window
the pavement remains dry.
Predictions are, what they are.
No one can predict the future
and yet,
you prepare for all possible outcomes
as though you will be rewarded for such effort.
Sit with your anxiety
listen deeply to its voice.
What is it really trying to say?
Dawning Words 