Too anxious to sit still
but too tired to move around
so I am here, stuck,
vibrating through my stationary body
with energy strong enough
to boil a pot of water.
Tag: anxiety
it is awake, and here
It would be all to easy to cast blame,
deflect this on to you,
say it’s your fault, you started this.
If I had not met you
this would not be happening.
Easy,
but unjustified.
No, it’s more than that.
This beast had been hibernating out of sight
for some time,
and chose to show its face
when you were there.
I knew of its existence
and shudder at my naivete
in believing it could hibernate forever.
But all that doesn’t matter now,
all that back story
and circumstances.
What matters is now,
it is awake, and here.
I either find a way to tame it,
or get eaten alive.
darkness chooses for me
I understand the need to look
for happiness
and that choosing it
is just that: a choice.
Despite this,
I cannot choose it easily
when all I see in front of me
is its opposite.
I settle in on the darkness
it seems,
before I even make a choice.
The darkness chooses for me,
and will not let me go.
You stay through it all
and say you love me.
Still processing you
My mouth knows not what to say,
my ears carefully select what they hear,
my eyes see things that are not there
and my hands remain close to me,
my body all disjointed
and confused.
Still processing
you.
now, our reunion
Embrace the space
which has come between us,
growing wider and deeper each day
until now,
our reunion.
Tell me of you, and I’ll you of me,
learning of new and remembering of old
until the space disappears.
Back to the way we were,
two peas back into our pod.
I was lost,
tangled in the seaweed of the deep, dark waters,
praying for a chance
to gasp in oxygen until my lungs burst,
yearning for someone to extend a hand,
until today.
the clouds come back
Just as soon as I am laughing and smiling,
basking in the warm afternoon sun,
the clouds come back
and the fog settles in,
pushing me back down, down to the ground again.
In an instant everything changes.
How can it happen so fast?
I scarcely had time to enjoy being happy
before my mind took it away again.
back into balance
Knowledge and behavior
relate and connect to each other in numerous ways,
but their connection is not direct,
nor guaranteed.
When the scale unbalances,
the ripples extend beyond the water’s edge.
Knowledge, thought, reasoning,
have always tipped the scale unbalanced for me,
casting waves upon the shoreline
drenching the stubborn human on the shore
who does not move out of the wave’s path.
But now is the time for change.
Now is the time to move my feet
around in the sand,
listening to and understanding the water
and responding to it.
Now is the time to shift the scale
back into balance.
drop a limp piece of rope
I feel the noose wrapped around my head,
my mind,
dragging me around like a wilful-less puppet
telling me what to think, and how.
Dragging me along in the gravel
my body sprays small pebbles up and around,
ricocheting off all the people cowering,
trying to grab hold of me as I fly past.
Scrapes and wounds and blood
decorate my skin.
The noose loosens,
momentarily.
Strength remains in my legs, arms and mind,
despite the injuries sustained, scarred, and healing.
I will stand up, and resist the jerking tug of rope,
taking my hands to release the knots
and drop a limp piece of rope to the ground.
Tower over it, I will, casting my shadow,
resolving to remind myself
no matter how often it takes,
that the rope will not control me.
the most create the best
The most troubling of anxieties
shattering of hearts
conflicting of minds
magnetic of smiles
and piercing of eyes
create the best poetry.
black or white
Maybe I don’t need to be here or there,
one place or another,
black or white.
There must be shades of grey in between
across the spectrum,
where we can still be together
but get as close to the black and white
as we can
without losing the grey completely.
Maybe I can have pieces of it all
without inflicting self-destruction,
without being all-or-nothing.
Maybe all I need to do is ask.
Dawning Words 