year of the wood snake

Two thousand and twenty-five;
the year of the wood snake.
Typically I am not one to follow
the Chinese zodiac,
but this year was different.

In two thousand and twenty-five,
the year of the wood snake,
I gave birth to my son.
I became a mother.
My soul knew it was time to shed.
My body broke open
at the birth canal
before my skin split at my crown
and I turned inside-out
to shed my old layers of skin,
my old layers
of being,
of identity,
of purpose and perspective,
of capacity to feel and fear and love.

Despite a significant phobia of snakes
I now deeply resonate with this creature
and the transformative processes
it undergoes,
necessary for its survival.

Becoming a mother has forced me
to shed layers of old skin
I had become so unconsciously accustomed to
that to see them discarded beside me
shocked me more
than the shedding itself.

I am forever changed
and must commit to continual shedding
to be the best mother
and person
I can be.

do more and be better?

This belief that
I always need a goal to be chasing,
something bigger + brighter
+ better
than what I already have;
does that belief still serve me?

The relentless chase
exhausts me
but like a woodpecker
I can always hear the drumming
in the background:

“Do more, and be better.”

Engage with your family more.
Expand your social media + creative audience.
You’re not good enough at your job.
Your physical health isn’t where it should be.
You know better, so you should do better.
Stay off your phone.
Be more social.
Separate yourself into small, neat boxes.
Integrate all parts of you into one; you don’t need to compartmentalize.

Can I stand on the table and scream
“SHUT UP!?”

This life I have right now
is what I once dreamed of
and doubted would ever become my reality.

I don’t need to do more,
and I don’t need to be better.
Who I am, right now, is enough.

overcast clouds

You know me better
than I know myself.

After years of therapy and self-inquiry
I like to believe
I know myself fairly well
but you call attention to
hyperfixations
ruminations
personality shifts
and detrimental perspectives
as though their obviousness
mimics the sun in the sky
while overcast clouds surround me.

How do you do it?

Imagine if they were non-existent

I cannot assume
the judgements I cast upon others
are replicated
upon me by other people.
I judge others harshly
in anticipation
they too will judge me harshly
so I can prepare self-defenses
in advance.
But it is possible
that other people’s judgements of me
are different,
lesser than,
or even non-existent.

Imagine if they were non-existent;
the expended energy wasted
in anxiety.

I am not one to let coffee go to waste

For how long
have I been living on autopilot?
Living the same cycles
over and over again
without critical analysis
of my intentions, purposes,
beliefs,
values?

Was it a method of survival,
sticking close to what I knew
and could trust,
when so much beyond
felt out of control,
despairing?

Was it an avoidance of vulnerability,
of coming face to face
with my deeper self
and acknowledging the change I wanted,
dreamed of,
but did not dare manifest?

Now, with space,
the questions and reflections pour into me
like a hot cup of coffee
filling the mug,
reaching the brim
and overflowing.

I can avoid them no longer
as a pool of coffee collects around the cup
and I am not one
to let coffee go to waste.

passions peak and wane

Observe how parts of you
shift,
ascend and recede like the tide,
introducing a new side of you
to yourself
every day.

Passions peak and wane
to our pleasure or dismay.
Try not to make meaning
of the waves,
for when at last you do,
they will already be gone,
leaving you in the still, shallow water
gently caressing your ankles.

quarter-page confidence

I started a new page in the notebook
with a title at the top:
‘What are some things that I feel CONFIDENT in about myself?’
I started a page on the left,
assuming I would need the spread of both left and right pages
like an open book,
to display my confident knowings
for surely, once I started listing,
pages would fill before my eyes.

My list consists of four bullet points,
consuming a quarter of one page.
The rest of the page-spread remains blank.
I cannot think of more to add.

Adding this to the docket of items
to discuss
at my next therapy session.