Tag: creative writing

do more and be better?

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

This belief that
I always need a goal to be chasing,
something bigger + brighter
+ better
than what I already have;
does that belief still serve me?

The relentless chase
exhausts me
but like a woodpecker
I can always hear the drumming
in the background:

“Do more, and be better.”

Engage with your family more.
Expand your social media + creative audience.
You’re not good enough at your job.
Your physical health isn’t where it should be.
You know better, so you should do better.
Stay off your phone.
Be more social.
Separate yourself into small, neat boxes.
Integrate all parts of you into one; you don’t need to compartmentalize.

Can I stand on the table and scream
“SHUT UP!?”

This life I have right now
is what I once dreamed of
and doubted would ever become my reality.

I don’t need to do more,
and I don’t need to be better.
Who I am, right now, is enough.

overcast clouds

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

You know me better
than I know myself.

After years of therapy and self-inquiry
I like to believe
I know myself fairly well
but you call attention to
hyperfixations
ruminations
personality shifts
and detrimental perspectives
as though their obviousness
mimics the sun in the sky
while overcast clouds surround me.

How do you do it?

Imagine if they were non-existent

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

I cannot assume
the judgements I cast upon others
are replicated
upon me by other people.
I judge others harshly
in anticipation
they too will judge me harshly
so I can prepare self-defenses
in advance.
But it is possible
that other people’s judgements of me
are different,
lesser than,
or even non-existent.

Imagine if they were non-existent;
the expended energy wasted
in anxiety.

I am not one to let coffee go to waste

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

For how long
have I been living on autopilot?
Living the same cycles
over and over again
without critical analysis
of my intentions, purposes,
beliefs,
values?

Was it a method of survival,
sticking close to what I knew
and could trust,
when so much beyond
felt out of control,
despairing?

Was it an avoidance of vulnerability,
of coming face to face
with my deeper self
and acknowledging the change I wanted,
dreamed of,
but did not dare manifest?

Now, with space,
the questions and reflections pour into me
like a hot cup of coffee
filling the mug,
reaching the brim
and overflowing.

I can avoid them no longer
as a pool of coffee collects around the cup
and I am not one
to let coffee go to waste.

passions peak and wane

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

Observe how parts of you
shift,
ascend and recede like the tide,
introducing a new side of you
to yourself
every day.

Passions peak and wane
to our pleasure or dismay.
Try not to make meaning
of the waves,
for when at last you do,
they will already be gone,
leaving you in the still, shallow water
gently caressing your ankles.

quarter-page confidence

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

I started a new page in the notebook
with a title at the top:
‘What are some things that I feel CONFIDENT in about myself?’
I started a page on the left,
assuming I would need the spread of both left and right pages
like an open book,
to display my confident knowings
for surely, once I started listing,
pages would fill before my eyes.

My list consists of four bullet points,
consuming a quarter of one page.
The rest of the page-spread remains blank.
I cannot think of more to add.

Adding this to the docket of items
to discuss
at my next therapy session.

mental health lifeboats

~ jennadawn ~ 3 Comments

When you share an intention with someone else, usually, that carries with it an added layer of accountability. Now, not only have you given a voice to the thoughts traveling around inside your head, but the voice has landed upon the ears of other people. It’s not just you anymore.

But what do you do, when you want to change your mind?

You’re no longer the only person that knows. Other people know. What will they think of you, knowing that while you seemed so sure, so prepared just a little while ago, now you’ve retreated back to the timid and apprehensive version of yourself that believes they can handle the journey up this mountain on their own?

They might make you out to be a fraud. They might believe you are too scared to face whatever you think you need to face. They might think less of you, they might consider themselves to be superior to you. They may call you weak, or arrogant, or in over your head.

Or, they might just understand what you’re going through.

Only the people who have traveled a similar path can understand the terror, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, the bravery that comes with sharing your needs with someone other than yourself. It requires a new kind of strength.

Admitting that you need to talk to someone, admitting that you have reached a new point where you feel more fear than excitement for your future, admitting that you don’t know where to go on your own, admitting that you need help – these don’t make you any less than. In fact, they make you more than. Feeling uncertainty about your decision after you’ve ‘taken your stance’ is normal.

Use your knowing of others’ awareness of your current experience not as a rope tying you to an anchor, but as a rope connecting you to a lifeboat; available to you when you need some additional support.

You will be OK. You have a fleet of lifeboats ready and waiting to carry you to safety.

my unique spirit animal

~ jennadawn ~ Leave a comment

The animal I was least expecting
came walking toward me
along the path in the clearing
slow, but strong,
large, but gentle.

It was a rhinoceros
so surprised was I
that I tried to re-enter my conscious mind
to think of a different animal,
to create it into being
in what was supposed to be my subconscious.
Before I had the chance to receive the message
I wanted to turn it away,
trade it in for something else,
something prettier, more feminine,
more socially accepted.

Instead,
my subconscious prevailed,
reassuring me that this animal before me
came to me with a purpose
I would learn
if I gave it space to speak, and be.

The rhinoceros stood before me.
He did not speak,
but instead just stood there,
silent, observing,
a calm presence he provided.

I began by looking up at him
from my position on the ground.
He stood tall above me,
lowering his head
I stood up to stand beside him,
still he did not speak.

I felt heat radiate from his body,
how his skin felt soft and ruthless
all at one time.
I watched him turn his head toward me
connected his eyes with mine.

He spoke through energy what could
not be spoken through words:
Be bold like me.
Be solid like me, in who you are.
Be gentle as your nature.
Remember, you have weapons
to use when you need them.
Be strong in all of you,
not only in the weapon.

He reunited me with my inner energy, my inner core,
to be solid and confident in who I am,
to take up space in my power,
to be rare, unique, off the beaten path of common perception,
to be gentle, in mannerisms and beneath my tough exterior,
to remember my inherent strength,
to stand tall in my being
and my innate ability to stand up for myself.
I am a force to be reckoned with
and I, of all people, should never forget that.

He stood there beside me, still, but breathing,
passing me all the wisdom I needed through
the air we exchanged together.
My hand reached out to connect
with the tough, thick, wrinkled, leather-like
texture of his skin
and I hear him exhale.

Perhaps not the most visually appealing
in comparison to the animals who hold more femininity
and beauty in their mythology,
but he came to me,
he was the first I saw
and the only animal who came naturally
to me in that moment,
subconsciously.

He needed to find me
and he did.
He carried a message
like no other animal could.
He was meant for me,
and I for him.