I have been gone for a while
living in the shadows, the darkness,
and finding comfort there,
familiarity,
safety.

I can see the light
but it scares me.
The shadows are quiet,
impose no pressure to speak or do,
their cold embrace enveloping me
until we warm.

I’m liking it here, in the dark.
It feels familiar
for I am often here
though not for long periods of time.
There are bursts of sunlight
that beam through the clouds
interrupting my accumulation of days.
The sun tries to tell me
that really, I’m OK
because I can see the sun
and be happy for a while;
I don’t qualify for a new label.
So when the clouds roll over again
I start back at day one.

And I ask myself the age-old question:
on some level, have I always been this way?

And then I ask the question:
am I trying to make something out of nothing,
this earnesty to classify
and put myself in a box per criteria,
or is this just a simple part
of the human experience?

This time,
I am staying in the darkness for a long time.
Longer than any time before.

I feel scared of everything
all at the same time,
all the time.
Paralyzed.

I have either lost myself
or changed –
I know not which it is.

And I don’t have the energy
to do
what they tell me I should do.
I don’t want to deny the darkness
in an attempt to feel better;
I want to stay here.

Eventually I will let someone down
and I can only blame the darkness
for so many things
because after all,
shouldn’t I be strong enough to fight it off?

But then
someone on the outside
saw me, and saw the shadows.
She acknowledged,
she validated,
and she nudged me towards a new source of light.

I have been gone for a while
and I’m not back yet
but maybe,
someday,
eventually.