I live my life through the words I write
I cannot assume
the judgements I cast upon others
are replicated
upon me by other people.
I judge others harshly
in anticipation
they too will judge me harshly
so I can prepare self-defenses
in advance.
But it is possible
that other people’s judgements of me
are different,
lesser than,
or even non-existent.
Imagine if they were non-existent;
the expended energy wasted
in anxiety.
I have been gone for a while
living in the shadows, the darkness,
and finding comfort there,
familiarity,
safety.
I can see the light
but it scares me.
The shadows are quiet,
impose no pressure to speak or do,
their cold embrace enveloping me
until we warm.
I’m liking it here, in the dark.
It feels familiar
for I am often here
though not for long periods of time.
There are bursts of sunlight
that beam through the clouds
interrupting my accumulation of days.
The sun tries to tell me
that really, I’m OK
because I can see the sun
and be happy for a while;
I don’t qualify for a new label.
So when the clouds roll over again
I start back at day one.
And I ask myself the age-old question:
on some level, have I always been this way?
And then I ask the question:
am I trying to make something out of nothing,
this earnesty to classify
and put myself in a box per criteria,
or is this just a simple part
of the human experience?
This time,
I am staying in the darkness for a long time.
Longer than any time before.
I feel scared of everything
all at the same time,
all the time.
Paralyzed.
I have either lost myself
or changed –
I know not which it is.
And I don’t have the energy
to do
what they tell me I should do.
I don’t want to deny the darkness
in an attempt to feel better;
I want to stay here.
Eventually I will let someone down
and I can only blame the darkness
for so many things
because after all,
shouldn’t I be strong enough to fight it off?
But then
someone on the outside
saw me, and saw the shadows.
She acknowledged,
she validated,
and she nudged me towards a new source of light.
I have been gone for a while
and I’m not back yet
but maybe,
someday,
eventually.
Clouds drape over each other
across the sky above,
a soft barrier between the sun and the earth.
Gifting the sun a chance
to be alone with herself
in private
permission to take a restful day.
Her rays permeate the clouds still
without needing to show her full self.
Gifting the earth a chance
to reacquaint with the coolness of coming fall,
embracing the act of letting go
and slowing down, slowly.
Gifting the earth and her inhabitants
opportunities to re-calibrate with the energy shift
and look ahead to changes still awaiting.
Breathe deep, slow breaths
of the cool, soft air
beneath the gray and fluffy blanket
draped over and around us.
Standing in a river
waist-deep
feel the energy required
in your deepest muscles
to fight against the current
to stay still
where you are.
The river, the water, the current,
your life,
wants to sweep you away
in flow
but you resist.
Feel the energy required
to resist the flow of life.
You want to stay, here, or there,
but wouldn’t it be easier
to relax your muscles
lift your feet from the riverbed
and submit to the current?
Parts of the forest
can be seen and appreciated only
from the river’s view.
Relinquish control
release the past
and let the water carry you.
The animal I was least expecting
came walking toward me
along the path in the clearing
slow, but strong,
large, but gentle.
It was a rhinoceros
so surprised was I
that I tried to re-enter my conscious mind
to think of a different animal,
to create it into being
in what was supposed to be my subconscious.
Before I had the chance to receive the message
I wanted to turn it away,
trade it in for something else,
something prettier, more feminine,
more socially accepted.
Instead,
my subconscious prevailed,
reassuring me that this animal before me
came to me with a purpose
I would learn
if I gave it space to speak, and be.
The rhinoceros stood before me.
He did not speak,
but instead just stood there,
silent, observing,
a calm presence he provided.
I began by looking up at him
from my position on the ground.
He stood tall above me,
lowering his head
I stood up to stand beside him,
still he did not speak.
I felt heat radiate from his body,
how his skin felt soft and ruthless
all at one time.
I watched him turn his head toward me
connected his eyes with mine.
He spoke through energy what could
not be spoken through words:
Be bold like me.
Be solid like me, in who you are.
Be gentle as your nature.
Remember, you have weapons
to use when you need them.
Be strong in all of you,
not only in the weapon.
He reunited me with my inner energy, my inner core,
to be solid and confident in who I am,
to take up space in my power,
to be rare, unique, off the beaten path of common perception,
to be gentle, in mannerisms and beneath my tough exterior,
to remember my inherent strength,
to stand tall in my being
and my innate ability to stand up for myself.
I am a force to be reckoned with
and I, of all people, should never forget that.
He stood there beside me, still, but breathing,
passing me all the wisdom I needed through
the air we exchanged together.
My hand reached out to connect
with the tough, thick, wrinkled, leather-like
texture of his skin
and I hear him exhale.
Perhaps not the most visually appealing
in comparison to the animals who hold more femininity
and beauty in their mythology,
but he came to me,
he was the first I saw
and the only animal who came naturally
to me in that moment,
subconsciously.
He needed to find me
and he did.
He carried a message
like no other animal could.
He was meant for me,
and I for him.
Awaiting events
scheduled into tomorrow’s calendar,
excitement serves as the energy source
stirring the restless butterflies
at the base of my stomach.
There’s a gentle breeze rustling the trees
on this bright Monday morning,
dropping dried-out pine cones to the ground
and stirring up dust in the streets.
On the jostling branches
I can see a few birds, small,
tightly clasping the wood
and chirping, singing, still,
songs of joy.
I can see them, I can hear them,
their assurance of spring’s arrival.
An opportunity to see,
what we have been told is true
by numerical values,
in a different way,
with our own eyes.
Giving excess attention
to details minute
diverts energy away from the purposeful
keeping me stuck in a place
I cannot move.
There are times, like these,
where the details do not matter.
Action matters.
Leave behind perfection:
do
act
move
as a bird released from the cage.
Upon receiving external validation
for my thoughts,
for my behavior,
for my existence,
a new wind gusts into my sails.
Fresh momentum to fuel my journey
across the ocean,
a newfound confidence
swims up to the surface
assuring me of an accurate voyage.
I learned to feel it
I learned to seek it
I learned to wait for it.
Trusting the energy
of a different wind
take time.
Is it enough
to reach a realization at the end,
to finally have in hand
an explanation
of why I feel the way I do?
An explanation
cannot replenish
the time lost, energy wasted,
minutes and heartbeats traded for depression
because at the time,
I could see no other option.
Is it something, though?
Can it kickstart the sheep
as I try to fall asleep tonight?
At the time,
I could see no other option.
The cycle begins again.
The pain, the blood, manifests
throughout and outside my body.
I will watch my body swell with pulsing blood
and inflamed tissues.
I will hear her cry out in pain
as she sheds what no longer serves her.
I will feel her energy deplete
as she asks for stillness, for rest, for love.
I will hold her, nurture her, and love her
through the pain of release
as many times as she needs.
Dawning Words 