I live my life through the words I write
Hearing from your intuition
the answer
to a question you want to ask
just to hear the answer
from someone else
is the same as
holding a coin in your hand
assigning heads to one option
and tails to another
flipping the coin in the air
and realizing
before you catch it
what you’re hoping for.
Stop seeking validation.
You already know your answer.
Go and live it.
This pink
this lilac
this white
this greenery
are all that remains
from the voluminous bouquet
brought home
over two weeks ago
on a day we laid bare to
trust
possibility
vulnerability
love
hope.
This fractioned bouquet endures
and so will we.
Uncertainty
riddles my logical, planning mind
as though I were in a bingo hall
watching the balls fly about
in the plastic container beside the person with the microphone.
Who knows which one will come out next?
One can only hope for what they need.
Flying around in the transparent container
I see chaos, I feel chaos.
Endless possibilities with unlimited sequences.
All I can do is wait,
marker poised,
to hear the next step blare through the sound system.
Month after month, time after time,
I wind up here.
Nothing works.
I try, I hope, I visualize,
hell, I even pray.
Nothing.
The growing pile of failed attempts
casts a shadow, longer this month
than last.
Can someone please tell me
what I’m doing wrong?
Just because a candle isn’t burning
doesn’t mean it can
or will
no longer burn again.
I want to believe in my body
I want to believe we can do this,
that we were meant to do this.
I know she’s strong
I know she would do amazing
come through on the other side
successful.
I know she’s capable of anything.
I know her
and I want to believe in her
but with every month that passes
it feels harder and harder to believe.
Maybe,
I don’t know my body that well after all.
Short-lived recognition,
if you can call it that,
of believing I know you from somewhere
and hoping
you recognize me too.
But just in case you don’t
I’ll dart my eyes away
before we know for sure.
I think
I hope
people are starting to see
how we, our systems,
were broken
and we had no idea
how bad they were broken
until one thing happened
and another
and another
until we’re standing in the rubble
realizing
we need to build a new way
out of this.
You think you’ve finally done it,
done it right and at the right time,
maybe this time it will be different.
No.
It’s the same as any other.
The pain from your mind, heart and uterus
submerges you in blood
until you emerge, days later.
The pain from the uterus may retreat
but from the mind and heart, does not.
It lingers
and grows
and swells for weeks
until next month, when again,
you’ll think you’ve finally done it
and then you wait
in hopeful optimism
that this time will be different.
Branches stripped bare,
devoid of leaves, protection,
rustle in the breeze like a skeleton
of a former living human
rattles.
Leaves, greenery and life
will rejuvenate the branches
as will love and hope,
for you.
Dawning Words 