I live my life through the words I write
I think back to years ago
recalling small, singular events
of you, and me, and us.
I start with what I remember,
then my mind switches to imagination
and runs away.
As it runs away
it conjures stories and conversations
I know never happened,
but are real enough behind my eyes
I sit confused, uncertain.
Did we kiss?
Did we date?
Did we love each other?
Or,
did we end before we could begin?
Just imagine
the acres of free space
I could free in my mind,
and the hours of free time
I could unleash in my day,
if I could stop thinking of you.
I travel back in time
to me and him
I remember where we were
how I felt
and a bittersweet smile grows on my face.
Sometimes
I dream in memories
of you, and me,
and the toxicity surrounding us.
I dream
of my naivete,
the youthful, innocent, optimism I held
even for you.
I dream
of what I chose to see
and lived for.
I dream in memories
because sometimes
they hurt less than reality.
What if
the last time I saw you
will really be
the last time?
When I imagine
how his shoulders would feel beneath her hands
how his arms would flex beneath the cotton
the pressure his hand would apply to her hips
as he leads her across the dance floor,
I remember how you led me.
What would you have said to them
if, the last time you saw them,
you had known
it would be the last time?
Collecting dust in the corner,
memories of who I once was
and hoped to be,
stand stagnant
letting the castaway remnants of air
settle, and find a new home.
Layer upon layer,
compressing those beneath,
perhaps eventually
stratifications will appear through the dusty clouds.
Memories, all visible,
stacked on top of the other.
Remove one layer at a time,
clean and polish the surface.
When memories have turned to dust
it’s time to let them go.
I can feel you here
in the strong gusts of wind
that wash over me like a tidal wave
and move under my clothes,
against my skin,
and leave me feeling cold
but clean.
One day
you will think of them
for the first time in a long time
and you will think you can go back to that time
when you were happy, with them,
but then you will look around
and remember
they are not here.
On that day,
I will be here for you.
Dawning Words 