is an explanation enough?

Is it enough
to reach a realization at the end,
to finally have in hand
an explanation
of why I feel the way I do?

An explanation
cannot replenish
the time lost, energy wasted,
minutes and heartbeats traded for depression
because at the time,
I could see no other option.

Is it something, though?
Can it kickstart the sheep
as I try to fall asleep tonight?

At the time,
I could see no other option.

bread crumbs and snowflakes

Give my mind a bread crumb
immediately
it wants the entire loaf.

What next thing should we do?
How will each detail look?
What will the 15th step be?

One flake of snow
growing into a snowman
in less than a minute.

For goodness sake, just slow down.
Stay here, in this moment,
without worrying and planning for a future
that might not happen.
Appreciate the here and now
without wanting to become bigger.

One bread crumb,
one snowflake,
one at a time.

with each step forward

I am walking along an unmarked trail
through the forests of a mountain range
where tree roots extend and appear
at the tip of my foot,
where boulders roll down the hillside
kicking up dust to infiltrate my eyes,
where I look for any small sign
of grass and dirt worn down by feet before me,
for I have not seen a sign for some time.

I hear the calls of animals
jostling through the leaves and branches.
Though I cannot see them
i assume them as more powerful than I,
with strength, size and a desire to kill
I cannot match.

Trees close in on me
as leaves become thick and air becomes dense.
I welcome it.
The pressure slows down my racing heart
and forces my chest to unravel.
Weigh heavy on me.

The only way out
is to keep along the invisible path
I make with each step forward,
whether small, side-stepped or stumbled.

I will know lightness again.

voices in the rain

Raindrops fall from the sky
soft and quiet at first,
then heavy and loud,
washing away the collections of dirt and dust,
gifting the ground, and all that rises from it,
with a new heartbeat.

I hear voices in my head.
They tell me what I’m supposed to do and when.
When I don’t listen, they scream at me
until I conform,
giving them the victory.
I recognize them, I know who they belong to,
familiarity offers no advantages.

I can hear the rain through closed windows,
rhythmic.
I wonder if it knows how much power it carries,
how much we depend on it.

Open the door to immerse my body
in this falling magic.
Wash away the voices down the gutter
to hear my own at last.
This is how I find peace today.

carry it together

You describe a weight
hanging from your body,
and your desire for it to release, and lift.

I see the weight you carry.
I carry part of it with my own arms
whether you see me brace my body under it
or not.

I, too, yearn to see it release and lift.
Until it does, we will carry it together.

chaotic bingo hall

Uncertainty
riddles my logical, planning mind
as though I were in a bingo hall
watching the balls fly about
in the plastic container beside the person with the microphone.
Who knows which one will come out next?
One can only hope for what they need.

Flying around in the transparent container
I see chaos, I feel chaos.
Endless possibilities with unlimited sequences.

All I can do is wait,
marker poised,
to hear the next step blare through the sound system.

breath, stay close to me

My breath is here to support me,
staying close at hand,
a gentle friend to call upon
in times of need.
I have needed her
in the late night and early morning hours
yesterday, today, to guide me
away from anxiety,
back into reality.

Please, breath, stay close to me.
I need you now,
and always.

build a new fence

The wood has been treated
with pressure.
Built to sustain hardships.

Arranged with equal spacing,
board after board of wood builds a wall
strong, and powerful.
Blocking more than can pass through,
it makes you believe you have a chance,
through the narrow openings.
Reality stands different.

Border. Barrier. Boundary.
All names apply.
Its commonality in partitioning property
eludes us,
the shared spread of land between us
stretches too far.

A new collection
of wood designed to withstand pressure,
due to arrive soon.