I live my life through the words I write
Stop putting so much damn pressure
on yourself.
You are not in a life-or-death situation.
If you make a mistake
(what classifies a mistake anyway?)
there will be opportunities to do better next time.
If you keep holding out
scared of imagined consequences
preparing for remediation of the fallout
without taking action at all,
you will kill yourself
before getting a chance to see the success
beyond the worrying,
unwarranted.
Month after month, time after time,
I wind up here.
Nothing works.
I try, I hope, I visualize,
hell, I even pray.
Nothing.
The growing pile of failed attempts
casts a shadow, longer this month
than last.
Can someone please tell me
what I’m doing wrong?
Day after day
we fall into routines
that may or may not
be good for us.
Acknowledge struggles,
show yourself self-compassion.
These feelings will pass.
I take at least a dozen breaths,
formulate in my mind what I want to say
typing it out,
erasing, and typing it out again.
This is a safe space.
I ask the question.
How do you know when
you need more than just self care?
Reactions range from widened eyes,
to nodding heads and note-taking,
but him; he offers empathy.
We hardly ever need an engine replacement;
maybe it’s just an oil change or a tire rotation that we need.
Muted on the microphone,
I tremble and quiver in my thick wool sweater
as a tear slides off my cheek
and lands on the keyboard.
Acknowledge the pain
Identify the struggle
Let them see your fight.
The moment after I tell someone
‘I’ve been managing really well lately’
my brain flips that hidden switch
and I fall backwards
wondering
just how well I was managing, at all.
Fighting against a force within me,
I cannot see it
nor assign it a name.
It urges me to retreat, recluse,
hide away from you, and me,
promising me peace and tranquility.
I feel another figure
rise up to the challenge,
rationalizing with me against every promise.
‘You know better than this’,
‘You are stronger than this’,
‘You must overcome this on your own’.
I listen to the rational voice
and head its advice,
but the other, deeper voice still calls out to me.
The fight rages on.
Be fooled not
by the bright sunshine and clear sky
for the cold air kills skin
and shadows still loom
where the sun cannot reach.
Just because a candle isn’t burning
doesn’t mean it can
or will
no longer burn again.
Dawning Words 