I live my life through the words I write
I think back to years ago
recalling small, singular events
of you, and me, and us.
I start with what I remember,
then my mind switches to imagination
and runs away.
As it runs away
it conjures stories and conversations
I know never happened,
but are real enough behind my eyes
I sit confused, uncertain.
Did we kiss?
Did we date?
Did we love each other?
Or,
did we end before we could begin?
taking ten minutes
settle down and clear my mind
a chance to start fresh
Just imagine
the acres of free space
I could free in my mind,
and the hours of free time
I could unleash in my day,
if I could stop thinking of you.
I can see you in my dreams
almost as clear as stars in the sky.
I can see this fictional world
crafted behind my eyes
and attempted to craft on paper.
You began behind my eyes
and live there every day,
help me go to sleep
daydream
and accompany long drives.
The part of me that never developed
until now.
The moment after I tell someone
‘I’ve been managing really well lately’
my brain flips that hidden switch
and I fall backwards
wondering
just how well I was managing, at all.
Time is all I need
just a little more time
alone, with my thoughts,
and dreams to fill my mind
with love, and the painful beauty
or what could have been.
I can see you standing beside me
talking to me
looking at me
I can feel you touching me
skin to skin.
There, on the driveway,
dropping me off outside the door
lingering for goodnight.
Our lips join in fireworks
the pattern rehearsed.
My mind plays games with me,
this dreamworld.
You know as well as I
we never saw each other again
and likely never will.
Even if
I must sit here for hours
waiting for my mind to find stable ground
and step off the race track,
I will wait
as long as it takes.
If I do not wait for myself,
what I lose
is me.
Yesterday
the sun never shone,
never emerged from behind the clouds,
hell, I don’t even know if it was there.
I existed in darkness.
I cannot say I lived in darkness
for I barely felt alive.
I just was.
Weights wrapped tight around my ankles
and a boulder on my chest
kept me in the darkness,
not that I wanted to leave, anyway.
What is the point of all this?
Today
I felt the sun penetrating my skin
while my eyes remained closed in sleep.
I see no clouds in the sky,
just the sun
beaming down on everything, and me.
I still feel the boulder
but my ankles move free
and I marvel at this gift of life
and light.
Tomorrow
offers only guesses at the sun’s intentions
and my mind’s interpretation.
I could check the forecast,
anticipate a plan to bring success and light
but it would be all for nothing
as history dictates.
Yesterday
I was handcuffed in the trunk.
Today
I sit in the driver’s seat.
Tomorrow
there could be a flat tire.
Up and down, and side to side
strapped tight into this roller coaster seat
I sit, blindfolded,
holding on to me, for dear life.
All I have,
is me,
now.
Weights of concrete blocks
attached to my ankles
keep me here.
If I tried to walk
they would break through the floor
pulling me down storeys,
shattering bones
to further impede me from moving
away to anywhere but here.
Gravity pulls my head
down to my ankles
where the concrete absorbs it all
full knowing of its power.
I sacrifice my mind
for my bones,
staying here under the weight of
where it wants me.
In the dense cement,
no room to breathe,
I try to sleep.
At least, maybe then,
I can feel weightless
if just for a moment.
Dawning Words 