I live my life through the words I write
I lost her
I wonder where she went
why she felt the need to get away.
I have been separated from this page
it feels like an eternity
do I remember how to do this?
Extending compassion
into a space hollow and dark
offers light,
light to guide me back.
Forced to take a step back,
to slow down, slow way down.
My body has made it clear
she cannot keep up any longer.
I remember a time where I could do all this and more
but times have changed.
My body has changed. I have changed.
Tending to her injuries,
reinforcing the structural integrity,
I whisper apologies
and promises to do better, to be better.
Change has forced itself upon me
and I must accept it.
I am walking along an unmarked trail
through the forests of a mountain range
where tree roots extend and appear
at the tip of my foot,
where boulders roll down the hillside
kicking up dust to infiltrate my eyes,
where I look for any small sign
of grass and dirt worn down by feet before me,
for I have not seen a sign for some time.
I hear the calls of animals
jostling through the leaves and branches.
Though I cannot see them
i assume them as more powerful than I,
with strength, size and a desire to kill
I cannot match.
Trees close in on me
as leaves become thick and air becomes dense.
I welcome it.
The pressure slows down my racing heart
and forces my chest to unravel.
Weigh heavy on me.
The only way out
is to keep along the invisible path
I make with each step forward,
whether small, side-stepped or stumbled.
I will know lightness again.
Bring your focus to one thing, one task.
Put the phone down,
turn off the TV,
find peace in the silence.
Place a pen upon a sheet of paper
and write.
Write until your eyes see clearly.
Write until your head stops spinning.
Write until your chest relaxes.
Write for as long as you need.
Stop running away from that which scares you
especially when
you know it to be your pathway
to freedom.
Every once in a while
things change.
The routine we once carried out automatically
requires revision.
Can we take the moment to appreciate
how nothing can stay the same
and how sometimes
it’s putting ourselves first
that invites the water to ripple?
Waters need to ripple
to help the river flow.
This last attempt will go as planned
but this time, according to my schedule.
My body says she’s ready,
and I believe her.
I trust her.
I know she’s looking out for me.
May the weeks unfold ahead
as they are meant.
With my whole body,
I trust.
The record spins.
Always spinning, it never stops
because it’s broken.
Spinning inside my head, inside my chest,
though at first the music sounds beautiful,
it’s off-key.
Spinning before my eyes
the people, creatures,
juggling balls flying through the air,
everything is moving.
“By trying to control everything
you end up controlling nothing.
Not that you can control anything, anyway.”
The record keeps spinning.
The record keeps playing.
Broken.
Playing timid
has kept me safe
behind the walls of smiles and acquiescence
for a long time.
Eventually the walls come down
to cast glimpses of ferocity and desire
upon the shocked faces
of those who expected less from me.
They can hardly believe it.
Their painted image of me, shattered.
For me, the focal,
at last I reach expansion.
Expanding beyond me, beyond them,
for me.
May we envision our lives
as traveling along a winding road,
a road that stretches straight for a while,
then spirals back around and sideways,
revisiting places already passed through
with new eyes.
We come back, time and again
to cities we believed had been conquered
and left desolate
to see them flourishing with new life.
They look different now,
as do we feel.
With each footstep connecting us to the Earth,
may we trust the path unraveling before us.
Though we may not agree, or understand,
we can surrender.
Call upon our experience to guide us
through the new, and familiar,
we encounter.
Dawning Words 