I live my life through the words I write
Waking up with the shadows
dark figures following me
as I meander through unconsciousness
to find my lost self.
They linger
after I wake, open my eyes,
they stay with me.
Today the shining rays of sun
only enhance their darkness
rather than making them retreat.
I will join you again tonight
if you leave, for now.
It gets easier with time,
I know that
I see that
I feel.
When it’s so hard at the beginning
‘easier’ seems impossible to reach
but it just takes time.
Sometimes, a long time.
I have always arrived there before,
eventually,
and I believe I will again.
Dreaming
of someone like you
but different,
someone who looks
but does not sound, like you.
How I would imagine
you would feel, taste,
smell,
feels real.
Almost as if
you wanted to see me
but under disguise.
The grass, and lawns,
once dry and brown and crunchy
come alive again
in harmonies of green and softness
after a long, gentle summer rain.
Before and after.
Before I met you
and after I met you –
two completely different people.
I think
I hope
people are starting to see
how we, our systems,
were broken
and we had no idea
how bad they were broken
until one thing happened
and another
and another
until we’re standing in the rubble
realizing
we need to build a new way
out of this.
My world has been turned
upside down because of you,
when you first entered it
and now, as you’re leaving.
I feel the ground crumble beneath my feet,
what I believed to be long-lasting
is not.
People come and people go,
including you.
I will join you in your excitement
and hold no resentment,
but this place will not be the same without you.
I will find a new way forward
though I don’t want to.
The sky dances and screams
with lightning and thunder,
muffled by the houses and trees
I can only make out bits and pieces,
not her whole story.
Feel her anguish,
admire her vulnerability,
wait until she has said all she needs to say.
Show your own vulnerability,
come out from behind your protective walls
to meet her,
listen to her, comfort her.
I have been where you are
and I am here for you.
Scream, cry, punch,
let it all out.
I will still be here
when you start to feel better
and the storm begins to pass.
I can feel you here
in the strong gusts of wind
that wash over me like a tidal wave
and move under my clothes,
against my skin,
and leave me feeling cold
but clean.
Even things that aren’t real can be real,
as long as they’re real to you.
So when you lose them, mourn the empty space
they once owned in your heart,
and mourn them deeply.
No one can tell you you cannot cry.
You think you’ve finally done it,
done it right and at the right time,
maybe this time it will be different.
No.
It’s the same as any other.
The pain from your mind, heart and uterus
submerges you in blood
until you emerge, days later.
The pain from the uterus may retreat
but from the mind and heart, does not.
It lingers
and grows
and swells for weeks
until next month, when again,
you’ll think you’ve finally done it
and then you wait
in hopeful optimism
that this time will be different.
Dawning Words 