I live my life through the words I write
Lightning and thunder
alternate
sight and sound,
sight and sound,
shocking me into submissive fear
until I shatter,
and collapse.
Thunder rumbles through the ground
rolling me like water in a boiling pot.
Lightning strikes
to set me on fire,
then the thunder roars again.
Shaking
on fire.
Yesterday
the sun never shone,
never emerged from behind the clouds,
hell, I don’t even know if it was there.
I existed in darkness.
I cannot say I lived in darkness
for I barely felt alive.
I just was.
Weights wrapped tight around my ankles
and a boulder on my chest
kept me in the darkness,
not that I wanted to leave, anyway.
What is the point of all this?
Today
I felt the sun penetrating my skin
while my eyes remained closed in sleep.
I see no clouds in the sky,
just the sun
beaming down on everything, and me.
I still feel the boulder
but my ankles move free
and I marvel at this gift of life
and light.
Tomorrow
offers only guesses at the sun’s intentions
and my mind’s interpretation.
I could check the forecast,
anticipate a plan to bring success and light
but it would be all for nothing
as history dictates.
Yesterday
I was handcuffed in the trunk.
Today
I sit in the driver’s seat.
Tomorrow
there could be a flat tire.
Up and down, and side to side
strapped tight into this roller coaster seat
I sit, blindfolded,
holding on to me, for dear life.
All I have,
is me,
now.
Weights of concrete blocks
attached to my ankles
keep me here.
If I tried to walk
they would break through the floor
pulling me down storeys,
shattering bones
to further impede me from moving
away to anywhere but here.
Gravity pulls my head
down to my ankles
where the concrete absorbs it all
full knowing of its power.
I sacrifice my mind
for my bones,
staying here under the weight of
where it wants me.
In the dense cement,
no room to breathe,
I try to sleep.
At least, maybe then,
I can feel weightless
if just for a moment.
Threading the blades of grass
between my fingers
and toes
picking up small particles of dirt
from the soil beneath
reconnects me to the Earth
grounding
calming me back to centre.
This, right here,
is all I have.
Everything I see and think in my mind
are not here with me.
Only the grass and the dirt
are.
One foot
in front of the other
over and over
will walk you away
from the thoughts and voices
telling you
you are not okay.
Tower over me like a tree
thickening the air with leaves and branches
until all the light is blocked
and it’s just you and me
beneath,
together in the dark.
Waking up with the shadows
dark figures following me
as I meander through unconsciousness
to find my lost self.
They linger
after I wake, open my eyes,
they stay with me.
Today the shining rays of sun
only enhance their darkness
rather than making them retreat.
I will join you again tonight
if you leave, for now.
Even things that aren’t real can be real,
as long as they’re real to you.
So when you lose them, mourn the empty space
they once owned in your heart,
and mourn them deeply.
No one can tell you you cannot cry.
You think you’ve finally done it,
done it right and at the right time,
maybe this time it will be different.
No.
It’s the same as any other.
The pain from your mind, heart and uterus
submerges you in blood
until you emerge, days later.
The pain from the uterus may retreat
but from the mind and heart, does not.
It lingers
and grows
and swells for weeks
until next month, when again,
you’ll think you’ve finally done it
and then you wait
in hopeful optimism
that this time will be different.
Adorn your fears, your insecurities,
your uncertainties,
with vocality.
Give them a voice, give them sounds
so they can leave you
and live here, out in the open,
under the observation of perspectives
other than your own.
You cannot do this all on your own.
We are here to help you.
Dawning Words 